Enter the Tigress... On Raising Kids
(Picture marginally related)
There is this interesting book Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother out now. I ordered it, but have yet to receive it, and as such will reserve judgement on the specific contents of the book until then. The book describes the topic of Strict Chinese parents (to put it mildly).
However, the subject of this book has touched off quite a bit of controversy. As if opening an old wound or touching a raw nerve, the strongest opposition to this has come mostly from Chinese people, who grew up with parents that demanded straight A's and mastery of at least two musical instruments. Here is a critique on CNN, about one such case: Link
(The part about cow brain is quite disturbing.)
I am of Chinese descent (roughly 75%) and had strict parents and disciplinarians... but nothing approaching what is supposedly in the book, and what some of my other Asian peers have told me (I have heard similar stories from my Indian, and Korean friends). Yea, my parents would get mad at me and give me some harsh words and do some extra math problems, but quite honestly I was a little doushbag and I deserved it sometimes. There was never any physical violence or any moment where I felt that they hated my guts for not measuring up. They would still let me play with friends, and I still felt loved and cared for. I remember one time I made a deal with my mom that she would buy me a SNES for Christmas (this reflects my ancient age :D ) if I got good grades. I did somewhat poorly on one of my classes - below what our deal called for, but my parents bought it for me anyways.
My friend (also Chinese) had confided in me that throughout grade school his punishment for not getting a straight A report card would be to stand 30 minutes out in the cold. He is now roughly my age, but has had a strained relationship with his parents after he moved out on his own following Uni... they had not spoken in over five years.
Yet another friend I met at Uni had an unusual fear of straight edges. She would flinch whenever I took out mine (I am obsessed with drawing straight lines). I didn't pry anymore into this, it was pretty clear to me what was going on, and just stopped bringing the ruler with me. I'm well aware that smashing hands with a ruler is a common Chinese way of disciplining children.
Some of the stuff I've heard over the years is quite shocking, and falls strictly in the realm of abusive behavior. These kids do become successful, they do acquire enormous amounts of discipline and drive, but often end up with emotional scars that will follow them for the rest of their lives. I don't have kids myself, but if I do, I feel that teaching them to be good people and making them feel loved and secured far outweighs making them into super-achieving machines.
Did you have strict parents?
Highschool of the dead scene?
Strict parents... nah, never had any problems with them, as long as you act mature in front of them they won't bother you :)
Yes, ive read about this controversial book and the numerous editorials about it. I come from an asian family with a strong academic background and while there was real motivation to succeed it didn't come at the cost of what I would consider a subtle/sophisticated form of child abuse this woman calls parenting. REjecting a childs affection is NEVER a good idea (this was from her book BTW).
Im not saying you should pamper your child and what not. the saying "spare the rod, and spoil the child" still holds some gravity in todays world. But what i do believe is raising a kid cannot be qunatified(is that the right word) or categorized into a science. It's all down to an individual level. We are responsible for raising our own kids. We shouldn't buy into the whole "READ MY BOOK ON HOW TO RAISE YOUR CHILD" craze.
Nah not really , but I do get yelled at sometimesT-T
In all my life I have never seen any parents like what the book makes them out to be, not even my own parents. That Wall Street article seems to describe a different kind of Chinese parent, the kind that lives to bring their children up to elite status. My parents were never that strict with me. It's ridiculous.
To be honest, I find that Asian families nowadays aren't any more different than your families in America, save for perhaps our families are more conventional and thus more strict.
I think this book does highlight a type of Asian parent but has misled people into thinking that everyone is this kind of 'tiger parent', yet another reason for continued misunderstanding amongst races.
My parents would spank me or slap me on the back of the hand if I did something bad. But thanks to that I never got in any really big trouble.
Yes and no for me.
Strict and demanding at times, but at the same time I have more freedom than a lot of friends.
I'm thankful for the mix I guess?
MY parents are not that bad, (albiet slightly more selfish) but really i advise any future parents not to follow this flawed method. Sure it does produce successful, hardworking individuals, but thats only a handful. If it really was soo successful, wouldn't ALL asian kids be prodigies or geniuses? From personal experience all this does to most ppl is cause emotional scars and a probable rift between parent and child. for example, I never confide in my parents anymore, for all they do is hound on the bad stuff and ignore the good ones
WARNING: Extremely long comment. Sorry if this it skips around too much and is somewhat sporadic.
I also made bets with my parents that if I won a piano contest/got good grades, they'd buy me something that I wanted (still works this way today LOL). They weren't the harshest child disciplinarians, but they weren't exactly saints either. I've probably been physically hit only a few times when I was younger, but most of the real damage from the tigers was done verbally. Honestly, this did crush my self confidence a lot. Their excuse was, "If you didn't have the ability, we wouldn't push you this hard." I was always afraid that people would reject me if I didn't live up to their expectations and I still feel that a bit now, but it's gotten better. My relationship with my parents is still somewhat strained though. The tigers have definitely mellowed out (old age!), but like you said, those emotional scars are still there and have changed me forever.
I've never been physically abused by my parents, but I do think sometimes that the heavy, forced indoctrination to our church constitutes emotional abuse. I also suffer from a very, very strong "first child" syndrome. As the older sister, I'm the one who gets punished (and occasionally hit) for acting out or going against my parents wishes. I make an F in one class, and I'm grounded for an entire semester. My brother does the same thing, and they just give him a slap on the wrist. I'm sure this is common among multiple-child families, but it makes me feel like there's something wrong with me that isn't wrong with him.
Quite an interesting topic to bring out Ghost.
For my parents, I don't think my parents were obsessively strict. I'm happy to have them as my family and I cherish them.
Understanding and communication is important whether it's through action or words and in the future, when I have children. I hope they will understand or perceive that I love them, as I have done for my parents.
My parents were overprotective more than strict when I was younger. They encouraged me academically, but didn't have unrealistic expectations. An A was better, but I wouldn't get scolded for a B. Anything less than that and they would be worried rather than angry. On the other hand, they were very strict with my social life out of fear for my safety, and placed heavy restrictions on where I was allowed to go without adult supervision compared to my peers. I'm now debilitatingly shy and suffer from panic attacks in social situations. They were less strict with my younger sister and she gets slightly better grades and has a far more active and healthy social life.
Going to one extreme or the other in parenting isn't going to work - you need a balance of motivating and watching over them, but also allowing them freedom and space to develop of their own accord.