How Discovering CJ Lead to my Itasha Project. Part 2

I really can't recall my childhood completely, but what I do remember was getting my ass kicked a lot. For every stupid reason you can think of, I've been beaten up for it. lol Naturally, I grew up just keeping to myself a lot. Shyness came with it. As well as a handful of friends. My parent's are pretty old school. Their idea of living it up is having like.. 2+ kids at my age (25) and having a dead-end-go-no-where-work-for-pennies job for the rest of my life. Don't get me wrong, I love them both, with all my heart, but that life style isn't for me. When I realized those were the ideals they were trying to drill into me at a young age, I decided that that wasn't for me.

My first job was at age 17. I worked at a franchise called Little Caesar's. My first paycheck, the whole, "Yeah! Gonna go to college after I graduate! :O" thoughts went out the window. At the time, I thought 300 bucks a week was great. I mean, all I had far as bills went was internet, and really low car payments. The rest of the money I'd have left over went into video games or junk food. Err, never mind. It went to both, actually. lol My mom, dad, and soon to be girlfriend, tried, and hard, everyday to drill it into me that I NEEDED to concentrate on going to college.

Instead, I procrastinated. -Laughs to himself.- Man. I remember all the excuses I'd come up with. I'd be playing PGR2 or FFXI in my room and every time my parents would come in they'd yell at me. "Get out and do something with your life, mijo!" I'd respond with, "I am! I need a car first." Soon as I got my car.. "College!" My excuse, "Um. I need to pay off the car first so I can not worry about that WHEN I'm in school! :O" It went on like that for a while. Until a month or so before my girlfriend died. She sat me down, and asked that I listen to her. I'll admit. lol I tuned her out for the first few minutes. I was thinking about FFXI, "Oh my God. She made me get a rep for this shit? And I was getting 20k an hour! -.-" lol After she started to shed some tears it was when I started paying attention to her.

"Your mom and dad don't want you to end up like them or the rest of your relatives, Rafa!" What she meant was working some shitty ass job and living paycheck to paycheck. My relatives, meh, most of them anyway, are still living with THEIR mom n' dad. They're in their mid-50s now, and did absolutely nothing with their lives. All they do now is sit around the house. Drink, get high (where they get the money for that shit is beyond me e.e;), eat, sleep, wake up, repeat. Anyway lol She went on by telling me about how jealous she was, when I asked her what could she possibly be jealous about, "...Your dream." "You're one of the few people in my life I've ever met that have the will power. The determination. The intellect. The discipline, to do what it'll take to get to where you want to be in life." I laughed, and replied with, "Meh. It's just a stupid dream. Besides. I don't think I know where to even start with learning Japanese. Or what I want to major in."

"That's what I'm here for! ^^" She was already in school, and was well on her way to her degree. We talked for a few more hours, and the next day. We got started on looking around for schools. I start applying, and eventually get the ball rolling. What I don't tell people about that part of my life, was that she basically had to carry me through every step. When, at the time, I thought I was doing it all on my own. I was being lazy, and would toss that aside to play games. It was only when she would come over to check up on my progress that I'd look into it, and even then I was slow at it. Although, thanks to her. I was aware of how (not of how INCREDIBLY lazy I actually was, but was getting an idea) lazy I was.

When I was given the appointment date to take the entrance exams at the community college I applied to (turned out I needed my gen. ed since I've been out of high school too long lol), I was happy. We decided to go out in celebration. Then, she was fatally hit by a drunk driver that night. After she had passed away, right in front of me, almost two days later.. everything went out the window, and I went off into neck deep in shit. I went back to my old ways of being lazy. Whatever money I had left over from Wal-Mart checks I spent on junk food and alcohol. I was so pissed off at the world. I remember getting so wasted that all I'd do is concentrate on how none of this would have happened if I hadn't ever met the guy that introduced us to each other. I blamed it all on him. He was the guy that turned us all against each other right after high school. I remember blaming him for every God damn thing that went wrong in my life. I remember feeling angry, bitter, not giving two shits about where my life was heading. It was like that when I moved out to Utah too. I thought I was keeping that part of me suppressed, but I guess my roommate ended up telling my friend (the one that pulled many strings to get me there) about how I'd get drunk, and "swear to God I hear him crying about someone... o.o"

Discovering Danny's blog lit a really hot fire under my ass, and it woke me up. Once I started reading his articles about living in Tokyo, it was slowly, but surely, making me feel nostalgic. It would take me back to a time when I loved reading about anything Japan. About how much I loved watching animes just to hear them speak, and I'd repeat some of the dialogue back and try to memorize it with the subs, so I knew what it meant. About how I loved learning about coding, how to start with website design, whoring out Photoshop/Illustrator. About how I used to be this nice guy, that gave a shit about others, and above all, cared for himself.

EVERY sentence I'd read from Danny's post hit home. "Wow. This guy has done everything I should be in the middle of doing. o.o"

When I read about quality over quantity and death being a reality. I instantly told myself, "You know. He's right." I thought back to that night she was in the hospital bed. Where we talked for hours on end. About how I shouldn't be sad that she's dying, "Really. ^^ It's okay. Like my mom, I don't have any regrets. I lived my life exactly down to how I wanted to! I guess, you can say the only regret I have is that I can't be that girl that gets to make you happy... I know you're hurting Rafa... but, one day. You will move on. You won't believe me now, but you will see. My only hope is that you don't let anyone change your wonderful spirit. Please... don't cry because it's over, but instead, smile, because it happened. ^^" That kept replaying through my head, over and over. About how no one would change who I am. I started to cry. I was ashamed of myself for not realizing this sooner.

"All this time. I've done nothing but mope around for almost two years." I kept reading the post, and when I got to the comfort zone part. I went from ashamed, to mad with myself. "...All I've been doing is exactly that, nothing. Since high school I've been nothing but lazy. I've been 'happy' with the crappy money I'd earn because video games was easier than to sit down and properly learn the skills and language I've been dying to learn to maybe... live and work there one day. If not that, land a job here and visit when I want..." "So like. Who the fuck's been holding that gun to your head and telling you to be a loser? You're tired of being chubby? Get up a little early every morning and exercise. Go back to playing DDR. Jog around the city. Do SOMETHING." "You want to learn Japanese fluently? Invest money in Rosetta Stone, sign up for classes, use the internet to your God damn advantage, and stop being a bitch about it." "You want to keep your Celica from being taken away? Get a job. You're tired of people not hiring you because of your backround? No one told you to take that money from the register. Try, and stop whining. You're already trying? Well, God damn. Cry me a river. o.o Try harder." "You miss all the anime things you had in your old room? Aww. They can be replaced, with a new collection. Prioritize school, and stop making excuses for yourself. You used to have life by the balls, and I think it's about time you take your throne back."

One thing I always end up telling others when having these types of conversations, is that time is not on your side. I can't tell you how many other younger kids I've seen doing the same thing I did. Co-workers, friends of siblings, even my siblings themselves. Like many people, as Danny mentioned, I made up excuses for myself. Everyday. I was my own biggest enemy. I was that giant rock in the road blocking myself from moving forward. I was one of those people that ALWAYS thought, "Meh. Something'll come around. :o" I would wish and hope for something to fall on my lap. Well, it didn't. It's just like Danny said: If you can make time to eat, poo, pee, then one can make time to do something if they are passionate enough to start taking those baby steps towards learning. Experiencing, building, reading, or even meeting. We need to encourage ourselves. Remind yourself everyday of what will be waiting for you at the end of that tunnel.

I lead myself astray. Losing my girlfriend did hurt, I'm not gonna lie about that. As fucked up as this is going to sound, that's life. Shit happens. Going through difficult times is just apart of being alive. If you want to make something of yourself, you need to go out there and do it. No one else is going to do it for you. Granted, not everyone is lucky. Not everyone has a clean bill of health and able to do things. But like, if you're able-bodied? Then your ass has zero excuses.

As I sit here, typing away. I'm in tears. They're running down my cheeks. Why? Because for the first time in a long time, I'm happy. My itasha was just a personal goal of mine that was set to prove to myself that I am indeed willing to do what it'll take to get it done. To thank my parents for getting me to realize how much of a dumbass I was back then. To Danny for showing me that things happen in life, and the only person able to pull you out of a bad part of your life is you, and only you. To a special girl I was in love with at some point in my life.. that, -Smirks a little bit.- even when she isn't physically here anymore, has taught me that happy people are those who dream dreams and are ready to pay the price to make them come true. Without inspiration; the best powers of the mind remain dormant. There is a fuel in us which needs to be ignited with sparks.

There you have it, folks. My reasons for giving my car the ita treatment. I really do hope anyone that is in a rut, or thinks they're life is omg hard (but are able to do something about it) take my message to heart. Life is too short to live in the past. Memories carry the heart, and it's personal possessions like my Celica that act as a vessel in keeping those memories alive.

I mean, who knows? Maybe I'll end up starting my own business and rival the Mirai Gaia! Mwuahaha! XD

Really though. Remember: When things feel like it's too much. When it feels like everyone and their grandmother is out to get you. ...When it feels that all you seem to do is try, try, and life just takes you down into a last stand? Trust me when I say that that is when the night truly is darkest, just before dawn.

This post was edited a bit on 2/22/2012.

Reason is underneath:

There were some things I originally was going to mention, but didn't out of fear. After running into someone on my way back home from Volks USA on New Years eve. I decided to write this post the way I intended it to be. This person recognized my itarized Celica from this very post. "Excuse me, but is your name Rafael?" I kind of gave her a curious look, and said yes. She instantly had tears in her eyes, and kind of stood there, in front of me. I was all, "Um... is something the matter ma'm? Do you need help? x.x" Really, I wanted to ask why she was crying. lol She was really pretty (I'd say beautiful, but I'd feel bad considering the situation.. but yeah. She was. <.<), and with the vibe she was putting out I was able to feel that this person wasn't a weirdo. This person has been hurt, emotionally.. Still, I stood there, awaiting an answer. Her chin started to quiver. She blinked, and her tears ran down her cheeks as she almost glomped me with a hug. I sort of just... stood there, with my jaw dropped. o.o I instantly knew why she was crying. It hit me, like a ton of bricks. I started to get teary eyed. "She's hurt... x.x" I thought. Afterward, she apologized for ninja'ing a hug like she did, but expressed that that was all she wanted to do if she ever met me in person. One topic lead to another, and it turns out that she had gone through something tragic. ><; She lost her best friend around March of 2011. She was kidnapped overseas and was put through Human trafficking. She was found on the street several weeks after she left.

This was someone she loved, and did everything with. She ended up asking me some questions about my life. What caused me to do what in the events I discussed in the posts, namely. I more or less explained everything I wrote, but in much more detail. Afterwards, I realized it was dark, and said, "I talk too much. ^^; I'm sorry. ><" Her response, "...You should mention this in your posts. You really are a brave person, and do have a wonderful spirit. ^^ And you are SO not ugly, ANNNND you have a sweet smile. XD" "Well, thanks. You should really get your eyes checked. <.<; I don't know if I should though. Originally, I typed everything out on a text document on my computer, but cut out a lot of things." I responded. So, she was all, "You really should. I know it's something big to ask of you since it's personal, but having a much better understanding of what you've gone through really tells me how great people can really be! NOT that I didn't have an understanding before hand! ><" I realized what time it might of been (I don't have a phone lol well not since 2009), so I apologized for droning on like I did, and asked if she needed a ride home, or somewhere more well lit to wait for a ride. "Oh my God! I get to ride in your CAR! ^^" "I mean! >< I can call my mom to come get me... x.x" Instantly I was all, "Your mom?" She interrupted with calling herself a loser for being 24 and still living with her mom. "I'm gonna be 26 next month and I'm STILL living with my mom. How do you think I feel. D: What I was gonna say was... cool. >.>; And is there a place you want me to take you to meet her? Or is she coming here?" Turns out her mom was drunk, and couldn't come pick her up. The second time she called I overheard her screaming and cursing on the other side. I offered her a ride, and she took it (after I kicked her stubborn wall down <.< with words of kindness of course :O) On my way back home, I couldn't help but feel happy. She was more or less on the starting path of destruction. She was thinking about doing drugs with her crack addict mom for the first time since she lost her best friend. The night she was close to making the decision to go through with it, she read part one, and bookmarked my profile page. She checked in everyday to see if I had posted part II up. She wanted to see pictures of my car with Mirai-chan on it. Her name is Amber, and I did ask if I could mention some of the things we talked about in here, since it's the reason why I'm re-writing this post.

Amber, I really hope you stick with your goals. Stay in college. You're almost done! One more year! :O I also hope you create an account on here, and show the world your lovely (Mio and Akira, right? Forgot. ><) musumes!