Cleaning up...

Upon laying eyes on some things I'd come across in this room, all of the memories flashed before my eyes. Shortly (almost over night) after losing my girlfriend, I dove straight into alcohol. Nights where I'd get wasted with no one home were spent breaking those things. The one night I do remember was the night she passed. Drove home, crying all the way, and on my bed for hours. I woke up after passing out, and drove to Bevmo to buy random alcohol. Drank it down and started to cry, again. Then got to thinking about how unfair it was, that something like that could happen to someone like her, and started breaking figures with my hands. I dropped them off at my moms hoping I'd "make it up to her" by moving to a new area, and looking for a job n' go to school there. You see, I knew alcohol as an escape goat was the wrong thing to do, but I kept fooling myself. Really, I just wanted to cling onto the past. I wanted to hang onto her. It's why I was always angry and spiteful. Whenever I'd drink myself to sleep when I was in Utah it would always end with me crying. Seeing my TV, phone, and class ring everyday would trigger a lot of the things she used to say, even some of her mannerisms. That right there, is what I would be stuck on. Memories would be triggered, and I would just want her to be back. It was a very nasty cycle I went through for almost a year.

I had my music playing, looked under my bed, and saw a few broken ligaments to some figmas. I took them all out from underneath. Set them on top of my bed, and kept rummaging around. Came across a ton of OSTs I collected during my teen years - also set those on top of my bed. Found a ton of LAN cables, and a few other bits n' pieces to figures. Even the walls I printed out and framed. Some old computer components I forgot I had; gaming case I forgot the name to, 700w PSU, ATI 5870, few after market coolers. I placed everything with the rest of the items on my bed.

I went to my computer. Hit shuffle, and hit Next Track on my keyboard. I was expecting something metal to come up, or something Eurobeat-ish since I was in a rather quiet mood. Instead, Aeris' Theme from the Advent Children OST came on, and I instantly froze, and thought a second. It was her favorite song, and it made me a little sad to be honest with you. I sat down at the edge of my bed, and grabbed random pieces of PVC to examine. I thought about some of the nights that lead up to almost everything in front of me ending up broken. I was already getting annoyed at myself for doing so, as I was expecting negativity to flood my mind. But instead, I realized, "Hmm. I didn't leaves these here because they were worth money. I just... didn't want... to let... go... o.o;" I paused a lot because while having that realization it also hit me that I wasn't thinking anything bad, or feeling anything I felt back then. I nodded slightly to myself, let out a very calm but deep sigh, and actually said, "I feel... Lighter." I brought up another broken piece of figma, and examined it. "If only she knew the unbending will you lost along the way... was earned back."

I grabbed a few heavy duty trash bags, and filled them up. Took them to the giant bins to toss them in, and came back into my room. Whatever I decided to keep was temporarily organized. I grabbed my dying point-and-shoot, and snapped a few pictures. I noticed how empty the room looked like. For the record, it looks all gloomy/nasty because the owners don't know jack (or never bothered) about what needed to be fixed/replaced before my mom moved in. The carpet and walls look very ugly and sure as hell don't plan on shelling out money to fix it. Just wanted to make it clear that I'm not a pig when it comes to my room. r.r lol A lot of the empty wall space will be filled with posters n' things down the road. I also plan on demolishing my desk in about a month or so and replacing it with a much bigger, and better desk. It'll house my dollfies and few nendos/figures I plan on buying to bring some life into this room. As well as have that constant reminder of Japan everyday. :o

Making the decision to throw away a lot of the old/broken things wasn't that hard, to be honest. At the same time, it wasn't that easy. lol Every other thing I would look at brought back different memories. A lot of the flashbacks were about being reminded of how Japan will be a reality someday, through hard work and determination. A few were of me breaking them apart. Felt happy, and some (barely) sadness. Since January of 2010, I have been hell bent on learning Japanese, and getting a lot of my old things back (camera upgrade, 2-4 figures or nendos really), and plan a trip to the country I've been obsessed with since I was a kid. Then school later this year. Maybe endure a little overtime to get my an electric drum kit? Oh, I don't think I mentioned that before. lol I wanna eventually obtain a drum kit to do what I love doing, which is playing drum covers to music I grew up with. Mostly video game music or the bands (Offspring, Iron Maiden, etc) that had a lot of influence in liking the drums. I'm not that great at it, but practice makes perfect. :D

I'm new to the whole electric conversion. Where I live at, an acoustic set up would be too loud, and suck up a lot of space in my room. For those who know what they're talking about when it comes to this: Which brand/model would you recommend for an aspiring otaku with a budget of 1,000-1,500 USD? :o

Granted, I don't need to go to Japan. Or need to buy back my figures, camera, drum kit. I don't know how to explain it, really. I literally can't tell you why I feel Japan is just something I want to do. I asked my friends exactly one year ago today if they wanted to come along. They were all for it, but I had a feeling I couldn't shake off that they were going to end up bailing. They did. Whatever reasons they gave me, I forgot. lol They sounded more like excuses than anything. I think they're afraid of taking that risk, to leave that comfort zone they're in.

Between then and now. It's so weird. I went from making the effort to get my life together for the wrong reasons. I always had the promise I made to her in the back of my head. I used it to drive me everyday. Until I came out of the hospital from my gall bladder removal, and had some time to think over the 2 weeks I was out of work. I went from thinking that she was the reason why I'm doing what I'm doing. To thinking that it was me all along. That it was me who is making the effort to better myself. That I'm the reason. ^^ Since then, I've been hell bent on getting things done. One event lead to another, and before I knew it, my Celica was itarized. Check off a very personal short term goal off the list.

Guys. Don't live in the past. You really have (or do) no idea how much that can hold you back from your true potential. As Maridah put it, "Don't let anyone dissuade you from doing what you love."

rofl I don't know how these two pics were uploaded, but yeah. >.>; I spent a lot of time making decals to replicate my itasha on a Celica on Forza Motorsport 4.

...Which ultimately didn't end up exactly how I planned out. Since Mirai took up more than the 1k layers you're allowed to have. In order to have her on the car I couldn't have the logos. lol So I mixed it up. Will have a Saber itasha done soon if I can replace my console. ><