Contest entry

KYON: Look ... isn't there already a movie in America with this name?
HARUHI: So what if there is? Our lawyers will take care of it.
KYON: What lawyers? When did you get lawyers?
HARUHI: What do you care? Just do the voiceover already!
KYON: Ugh ...
KYON (narrating): In a world where confusion reigns supreme and terror lurks behind every corner lives Mikuru Asahina. She lives a carefree existence, enjoying each day and never wanting more. But one day ... her life as she knew it ... came to an end.

YUKI (monotone): There is no escape. Drop your weapons and surrender yourself.
MIKURU: I - I give up! Please don't shoot me!
HARUHI: Yuki! Be more energetic! You need to sound like a crazy American!
YUKI (monotone): ... This is the end for you. Surrender peacefully ... you raggedy towelhead.
MIKURU: Towel ... head?
KYON (thinking): This ... this already makes no sense.
KYON (narrating): So without cause or reason the American government sends Mikuru Asahina to their top-secret prison. What terrors await her there? (looks up) Hey, this part of the script is blank.
HARUHI: I know. I didn't write out this part. I want the acting to be completely natural here.
KYON (thinking): As if anybody could act naturally around you. Although by now, nothing that Haruhi does surprises me.

KYON: Agh!
MIKURU: Ahh! What ... what is that?!
HARUHI: Isn't he cute? I found him shuffling around behind the club building so I took him with me. (looks at Kyon) Kyon! You're supposed to be narrating!
KYON (narrating, in a flat monotone): Behold the mighty Inju Ouji, the prince of tentacles. His half-pint stature belies his supersized lusts, and with his sinuous, slippery tentacles of seduction he slides himself effortlessly - (looks up, agitated) You have got to be kidding me! I'm not reading this!
HARUHI: Hmph, fine! No one wants to hear your voice, anyway. Alright, Mikuru, take off your clothes.
KYON: What?!
MIKURU: No!
HARUHI: Here, I'll come help you.

(Mikuru cringes as Haruhi advances. Kyon quickly interposes himself between them.)

KYON: Wait, look, you said you want this movie to be big in America, right?
HARUHI: That's right! This scene will be legendary!
KYON: Not if nobody ever sees it! Americans are very squeamish about these sorts of things. If this film gets an R rating, nobody will watch it and you won't be able to expand the SOS Brigade.
HARUHI: Hmm ... I suppose that's true. Very well then! We'll move on to the next part ... ah, I forgot the prop! Everyone, rehearse your lines while I go get it.
KYON: Asahina-san ... I need to go get rid of this thing (points at the tentacle monster) If you start running now, right now, you can get very, very far away. Far away enough that Haruhi can't do anything to you.
MIKURU: It's okay ... as long as I'm with you, I feel like I can endure anything.
KYON: Well, I need to go find some place to put this. Stay strong, Asahina-san. (picks up the Inju Ouji) Ugh, it's sticky.

(Kyon leaves. Haruhi returns a few moments later.)

HARUHI (returning): I'm back! Are we ready? Where'd that idiot Kyon go? Oh well, who cares, we don't need him for this next part anyway. Places, and ... action!

MIKURU: Ah -
KYON (returning): I couldn't find a good place to put that tentacle monster, so I just threw it in a dumpster. I hope he doesn't crawl out and come across any girls going home - what ... WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!

MIKURU: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
HARUHI: It's something I borrowed from the Robotics Club! They've been working on it all year. They call it the Odaiba Sentinel! Cool, huh?
MIKURU: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
KYON: Wow, it's really cool, they - I mean, no! It's not! Did you even ask their permission to take it?!
HARUHI: Why should I have? I'm sure they would've said yes. They're not even using it right now. I'm sure they won't mind.
MIKURU: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
KYON (thinking): I wonder if her lawyers can get us out of this as well.
HARUHI: Kyon, you idiot, you're supposed to do the sound effects!
KYON: Er, right.

(Kyon plays a file on the computer)

*KABOOM! BLAMBLAMBLAM*

MASTER CHIEF: Miss Asahina, are you alright?
MIKURU: Master Chief, you've saved me!

MASTER CHIEF: Don't mention it. Let's get you out of here.
MIKURU: Thank you, Chief!
OMINOUS VOICE: Did you really think you'd be able to free my detainees so easily?
MASTER CHIEF: ... Who ... was that?

*BLAMBLAMBLAM*

BARACK OBAMA: YIPPIE-KI-YAY, MOTHERF***ER!
MASTER CHIEF: Argh!
MIKURU: Chief! No!
KYON (thinking): Crap, we're definitely getting rated R now!

BARACK OBAMA: Hahaha, did you think you could escape so easily, little girl? Nobody takes my detainees from me!
MIKURU: No! Please let me go!
BARACK OBAMA: Let you go? You belong to me now! You're mine forever! You'll never return home!
HARUHI: Wasn't it great of the American president to agree to appear in our movie?
KYON: Wait, is this in the script? I don't see this in the script.
BARACK OBAMA: Let the bombs fly and let the historians count the bodies! That's the way the United States of America rolls! Who the hell do you think I am?! AHAHAHAHAHAHA!
KYON: This isn't in the script. I think he's speaking on his own!
HARUHI: Who cares! That laugh was perfect, perfect!

KYON (narrating): So poor Mikuru was imprisoned, alone, unnoticed, and forgotten. When will she get out? What will she have to do to earn her freedom?
HARUHI: Outstanding! I'm sure we'll get an Oscar for this! What should I wear to the awards ceremony? What should I do with my hair? Should I wear it up? Should I let it grow long? What should I say during my speech? I guess I don't need to thank anybody because I did all the work!
ITSUKI: Suzumiya-san, can I take this armor off? It's really heavy and warm inside.
HARUHI: Hmm ... no, we might need to re-shoot some scenes.
ITSUKI: Can I take the helmet off at least? It's getting hard to breathe in here.
HARUHI: Hrmm ... no, I want you to keep wearing it.
ITSUKI: Ahh ...
KYON (thinking): This is so stupid. Why can't I escape from all of this? Am I in prison too?
HARUHI: Cut! And that's a wrap! This is going to be incredible! Just wait and see!